I'm Back!!!

Yes, I'm still alive!

We'll my relationship has finally ended,

We were good for a long time but we both wanted different things, I think it's more that he couldn't keep up in bed!
Maybe I was a little demanding but sex is like a drug!!

Thankfully I hadn't given up my little apartment!!

So back to the same old routine. Out comes the rampant rabbit for a while.

I got drunk last night, feeling very hung over today!

There is a new hot guy working in the office, yum,yum!

He's looking over right now.

Ok, gave a little smile.

I got one back!, good, keep it suttle to begin with.

What am I doing flirting today, my eyes are blood shot and my mouth feels like a carpet!!

At lunch time I'll pop and get some of those eye drops to brighten up my eyes.

Shit, better go as important people have turned up,

Talk soon

Been so Long!!

I must make time to write!

Life has been so busy with work and the new guy (yes , that's what I said!)

MY new guy!, hee (she smiles)

I think this could be the one!?

How do you really know if they are the one?
Most people think they have met the one but then discover maybe they weren't?
Then there are those that say "You will just know!", is that true?

Maybe I won't really know, maybe my past experiences will cloud my judgment?

Well, I've only been seeing the guy for a few weeks, lets not be hasty!
He has a lot on his side though, Good looks, charm and bloody good in the sack!
plus good job, nice car and he seems to know how to treat a women. Hopefully I'm the only women he's treating! (There it is again, insecurity!).

One cannot be afford to trust straight away, although one must not tar all with the same brush!

So anyway, short and sweet, but this is why I haven't been up dating my blog!

Well, I'll keep you updated as to whether this is the man of my dreams or merely a wolf in sheep's clothing!!!!

Oh Dear!

Today I had to pop to the doctors for the usual lady thing check-up.

I put on some nice undies ( As no one wants anyone to see your dodgy old pants!).

I was running late but fortunatley they were running a little late too ( nothing new there then!). All was well except I could of died of embarressment.
You see what I failed to remember was what I had done after a bottle of wine a the night before.

I decided to take a hot steamy bubble bath ( which probably isn't really a good idea after a bottle of wine and I thought ( In a drunk and childish way) that I would shave a heart into my Ladies bits!!. At the time I found this very amusing but from a sober angle I decided it had been childish and silly thing to do especially as loaded with alcohol, sensitive things and razor blades are not a wise combination!

Anyway I didn't have any accidents thankfully.

So I'm laying there as you do, when I see the nurse giving my ladies bits a very strange look. Fearing that purhaps there was a stray piece of toilet paper there I glanced through my legs to notice the uneven heart shape!

I think I turned a shade of red and giggled a bit!!

I'm now thinking of changing doctors!!

If only I hadn't gotten up so late that morning and took notice in the shower rather than speed washing!. Maybe I could of altered the hair style!!!!!

Thats it if I'm planning on drinking a bottle of wine I will hide the razor beforehand!

Three's a crowd!

Life carried on in a routine of working and partying.

Pumping myself with anti depressants on a regular basis along with alcohol and recreational drugs!
Not the wise thing to do!!

My life was a haze, a robotic life style.

The weight fell off and looking back I didn't look healthy at all!


One evening ( In many of my drunken sexploits!) , after a heavy night boozing I ended up at this blokes student quarters!
The bloke was called Tom ( I think!) and he shared a room with a guy called ....um..think it was...mmm..oh well I forgotten his name. Not too surprising really as I was very messy!!

Well anyway, it resulted with me ending up here as I lost my friends (which also happened a lot!) while we were at a club. I was so off my head sometimes that I went into my own little world and lost everyone. Many times the girls joked about buying me some kiddy reins so they couldn't lose me!. (It probably would of been a good idea!).

So back with the student...

Pretty much as soon as we got in he began pulling off my clothes, fumbling and stumbling we made our way to his room.
He was hungry for sex and drunkenly I went along with it.

I remember him roughly handling my breasts, squeezing them, tweaking them and biting them.

He pushed me down on to his bed. He was trying to take off his shirt but had forgotten to undo the cuffs, frustration arose in him and I think he ended up pulling the buttons off.

He slid on to the bed and began to slide his hands up my skirt and peeling off my hold up stockings and discarding them on to the floor.

I remember giggling ( In that stupid drunken way!) not a care in the world.

Then he took off my thong, spinning it on his fingers he threw it somewhere in his room!

Then a pause,

Then a warm wet feeling between my legs. It was his tongue, first he was so gentle it tickled and again I giggled.
Then he got harder and faster, a shiver ran down my spine.
It felt good...

I'm not sure how long he did it for but I had an amazing orgasm.

I think my pleasurous sounds had been loud as I heard a voice from the next room.

Tom got up and went out.

I was tired and ready to pass out when he came back, not alone though!

I fumbled to cover myself up, With no top or bra and just a skirt I awkwardly succeeded.
Tom introduced his room mate.....What's his name!?

Slurringly I said hello, Confused as to why in the heat of sexual pleasure Tom wanted to introduce his mate!!!
Tom clambered over to me and putting his arm around me began to uncover my breasts.

I was drunk but I was aware of my embarrassment. Tom told me to relax.
His mate came around to the other side of the bed and sat down.

He began to stroke my breasts, I felt very, very unsure of this and wondered what the hell was going on!. Tom just kept telling me to relax and he slowly laid me back.
He told me to close my eyes, I tried to sit up and protest but he slowly laid me back again. This time he stroked my face.

It did feel good, I felt disgusted for liking it.
His mate was gentle, much gentler than Tom had been. Tom started kissing me and moving his hand between my legs. He pushed his fingers up inside me.
His friend started to kiss my nipples and the feeling of pleasure was unreal.

Tom then put his body between my legs and in confusion I worked out he had his penis inside me. While his friend was kissing me and caressing my breasts.

I knew that what I was doing was not my kind of thing and I wanted it to stop but the pleasure it was giving me was indescribable. All the time I kept thinking I will stop it in a minute, I will stop it in a minute.....But the minutes turned to hours and I remember his room mate sitting me on his erect penis while Tom watched.

It was all too weird!

Eventually when everyone was tired his mate left the room and Tom laid next to me with his eyes closed. I remember thinking this didn't just happen!
What was I doing here!, I'm not that kind of girl!

I asked Tom if this was something he and his room mate did regularly and he just grinned sleepily. I took that as a yes!!
The dirty buggers!

But now I felt dirty and used!, I asked Tom if I could use his shower. I locked the door behind me just in case he and his mate got any ideas.
My head was buzzing with a hangover as well as trying to piece together what had gone on that night.
I showered and dressed.
Tom asked for my number and I jotted down some fake one as I wasn't sure I wanted him to have it.

I got a cab home, once back in my flat I remember feeling ashamed.

I wasn't that kind of girl, what had I done!

Three's a crowd!

No Self Respect!

Looking back at my life I realise that I had lost all self respect.

I wasn't what people thought not inside but I guess that would be how people saw me.

A slag.

I regularly went out to escape the way I felt inside.
I was so miserable and I felt that I really had nothing in life that I cared for nor cared for me.

Matt's words continued to ring through me.

I began to make myself sick on a regular basis to try and slim down. My body made me miserable.

When ever I went out I'd end up drunk.

I never went out to pull any guys , I just wanted to have a good laugh with my friends.
But once I'd have a few drinks I lapped up any attention I received from men. It was my fix.

It usually ended up with me going home with some bloke.
Not once did I consider my safety, I didn't care.

Most of the time I'd end up so drunk I didn't remember having sex. Sometimes I would be told I had been wild.

The thing is, I still felt like the good little girl I felt I had been growing up. Never been in too much trouble. My parents were hard working respectable people.
It was as though I had a double life.

By day I was a respectable hard working office girl.
By night I was sniffing lines in the bar toilet trying hard to block out any misery I was feeling, knowing I'd probably wake up next to some guy the next morning and always wishing I'd stayed home with a bottle of wine.

My life went on like this for some years.

The worse I felt about myself for having no self respect, the harder it became to block it all out.

Sometimes I'd end up shagging some guy in an alley way.
It made my first sexual experience behind the local spar shop look romantic in comparison!

I know what you are thinking, " What a slag".

I don't blame you for thinking that. I would of too.
I'm not saying its alright but I know I wasn't some tart who went out to look for a shag. I can honestly say that with all my nights out I never went out with the intention of looking for a bloke to fuck.
When I was drunk I just wanted to be loved. I would of been happy if a guy said "hey, lets just cuddle". But most men only go out with the intention of getting laid!

Some of the situations I found myself in horrify me now and I wish that I had come to my senses sooner. I will cover some of them at some point.

All I can say is don't judge every girl that has slept about there maybe reasons.

Relief...

Ok panic over,

My parents just wanted to remind me that I owe them some money!

Why they couldn't just ask me over the phone?
After everything that happened with me losing money with the whole Matt thing, mum still feels she has to wrap me in cotton wool!

The whole Matt thing was years ago now so I don't understand the fuss!

Bless them.

Lunchtime!!

Ok, I have managed to finish my next entry.

I wonder what you think of me?

I need to finish my past in order to bring my life up to the present day.

I hope you will see that appearances can be deceptive!

Now its my lunch break, I think I'll go to starbucks?
Oh, must by some cigarettes too. ( dirty habit!)

Got to pop to my parents tonight. My mum wants to talk to me about something!
Why do parents do that?
They never tell you what!.
At 30 yrs old I still feel that I'm going to get told off for something!. Will it always be like this?

When I have children will I be the same?

Ok, better go as lunch break will be over if I don't hurry!!!

A very drunken night out...

It was my friend Karens birthday ( Karen from Work), she had arranged for us to all meet up at a bar we like to go to a lot.
After slapping on the the make up and some new dress I had bought that day I was ready to go!

When I arrived Anna from work was the only one there! (I wasn't too keen on her, I got on with her for Karens sake but she is a mouthy cow).

Anyway she actually didn't seem to bad on this occasion but maybe it was because she was still sober. I even bought her a drink!
About fifteen minutes later Karen arrived, already slaughted!

We were checking out the talent for the evening and I can honestly say that there were no decent looking guys in that bar!
The night had begun, Karen was splashing her cash and buying every Tom, Dick and Harry a drink! (she regretted that the next day I can tell you, think it ate in to her over draft).

We drank anything and everything. So if you can imagine five staggering girls, singing and yelling, hanging on to shop windows and lamp posts just to steady ourselves, that was us a complete mess.
I couldn't believe we got in to a club!, Think mouthy cow Anna offered the doorman a blow job if he'd let us in. (He would need a large cock to fill her mouth!).

Anyway we were in and it weren't too long before we got separated, I ended up with Karen. I remember us cramming our way on to the dance floor, thinking we were the sexiest women on the planet. ( In reality we probably resembled stone age women with knotted hair and sounding like we didn't know how to string a word together, make-up smeared down are faces. Obviously cave women didn't wear make-up).

Anyway we were dancing for a while, these three guys started dancing with us. Karen ended up snogging the face off some guy leaving me with the other two.

Then the worst thing that could happen did. I remember the room spinning and feeling very hot. I then threw up on the dance floor!
Someone helped me to the toilets, I must of looked a real state.

I'm not sure how long after, I started to cry. You see all that day I had been feeling down and made the mistake of thinking that alcohol would numb the depressing feelings I had.

I can remember trying to pull myself together, sorting out my blackened eyes the mascara had left from the crying and vomiting!.When I left the toilets one of the three guys was waiting for me outside. I think it was him that took me to the toilet after I decorated the dance floor!

He got me some water and offered to get me a taxi home. I couldn't find any of my friends so I accepted. We waited ages for a black cab.
He told me his name was Tony and he was a builder. I then started sobbing to him about how miserable my life was and that I am crap in bed!!.You know what its like when you're pissed you tell the world everything!

We got a cab eventually, but I started to feel ill again. I started to spin out it was horrible. I told him I felt sick so he paid the cab and we got out. I remember thinking, how the hell am I going to get home!.

We walked a little way , the air helped the nauseas feeling shift a little.
Tony was actually a funny guy, not exactly good looking but sweet. He asked me if I wanted to stay at his ( I know looking back how young and stupid I was), I knew I couldn't make it back to my apartment as it was quite away and I would never survive the cab ride without being sick.

It didn't take too long to walk to his apartment. When we got inside I remember thinking that this is such a batchelor pad!. Beer cans everywhere, takeaway cartons on every side.

He offered me his bed, I did feel bad for taking it but I needed to sleep.
I climbed in to the cold strange bed and laid there in the darkness feeling my head spinning and feeling very slightly sick again.
There was a gentle knock on the door and Tony came in. He said he needed something.

He asked me if I was okay.
He then started talking about some ex girlfriend of his and how she had suffered from depression. He asked if he could lay down beside me. I know I felt slightly uncomfortable but it was his bed!.
Anyway he started to stroke my hair and to be honest it felt good.

He did it so tenderly it felt like he cared for me. It sounds so stupid but that was how I felt.

He then kissed me so lightly on my forehead. I remember smelling the alcoholic fumes on his breath but it felt so nice.
He started to stroke my arm and this stroking moved to my body. I laid there thinking do I want to do this?. He was so gentle treating me as though I was made of china.
He began to caress my breast, the tingling started and the urge for him to hold me close was strong.

Within minutes he was like an animal. We had sex but the tenderness was gone it was wild. Matt's words rung through my head, it made me try harder to please.

The next morning I gathered myself together and left. Tony was still sleeping but I knew I didn't want to see him again.

When I got home I showered, I felt unclean. I used everything to try and feel clean.

I didn't know why I felt like that at that time. Now I look back I think it was because I just wanted to feel wanted and loved and that's not the way to feel that.

Back at work!

Okay, so here I am back in this horrible office after a lovely week off.

A few hangovers in the week but all in all not to bad. I'm decorating my apartment at the moment and have managed to finish my bathroom. Exciting stuff!!

I'm going to try and write my next blog today if I don't have too much of a work load having been off last week. Also have to make sure boss isn't lingering or that could be a warning for wasting work time!

So if I do get a chance excuse the lack of editing!. Okay almost ten am time for a quick cigarette (dirty habit!).